A Thanksgiving Account

The butter knife approached me from above. I was completely defenseless, but the holder of the knife didn't care. He was chatting with his friends when he shaved half an inch off my left side. "Guess I got a little too much!" he sputtered as he plopped the piece on his bread.

I was passed around the table. Each person except one, hacked off various pieces of me. The one that didn't take any of me complained I was too fattening and they didn't need to get extra flab for the holidays. They already had enough flab... and nose hairs, too. You can see these things from down here.

I spent much more time suffering this inferno. After about 3 hours, much after the time their food spoiled, I was discarded to the counter and forgotten. This was rather lonesome, but I didn't mind, because it gave me time to think. Many people in this busy world could use time for that, once they remembered how.

Thanksgiving, I thought, is not what it's cracked up to be. I'm not saying it's the worst holiday. It actually has a large accepted realistic background. That may not make sense to you, and I might have expressed it in a confusing way, but I can explain it to you. With Christman and Easter, they were based on the birth and resurrection of Christ, respectively. However, to a growing number of people, they are a way to teach little children about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, which are two of the few impeccable characters left in the world. Plainly because they don't exist.

Thanksgiving is different, thankfully (excuse the pun). Most people celebrate it for the feast between the Pilgrims and the Indians, which is what is should be observed for.

However, I am not complaining about that part. I am complaining about how everybody hates it but are too scared to admit it. In fact, most are too scared even to admit it to themselves. Unless you enjoy acting, I presume you don't like faking smiles and other wholehearted gestures while carrying on meaningless conversations with the ugliest, craziest people you have ever seen in your entire life. It's almost a game to find the most generic conversation possible. Actually it is; I know someone who has done that.

The social branch of Thanksgiving isn't the only bad part. You also get to stuff yourself full of food that, well, could use some work. Once you finish your food, you get to join the rest of the family watching the fattest member stuff themselves while you try to avoid explaining the root of their problem, which they seem to not notice.

After reading all of this, you may be wondering why I hate Thanksgiving. What could possibly drive somebody or something to think such negative thoughts about such a grandiose holiday? Fortunately, I don't. I'm just the butter.